An Anti-Fall Manifesto

Tips for Proper Fall Etiquette


It’s that time of the year again. The leaves are falling, pumpkins are being carved, and a nip is in the air. That can only mean one thing: Fall has arrived. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t care for fall. I don’t see the point. Why do we celebrate a season that brings about allergies in of the 75% population and allows ginko trees to drop their pungent fruit? If it were up to me, I would completely skip to winter. Yet for some, fall brings about fond memories of warm drinks and jumping into piles of dead plants. But for others, like me, the season doesn’t bring about happiness. Instead, it conjures up horrific memories involving extravagant sweaters, cringe-worthy Instagram pictures, and God help us, Pumpkin Spice Lattes. These might seem like small complaints, and I assure you, they are. But I find that the best way to deal with minor annoyances is to create rules for others to follow, so I present to you, tips to improve your fall etiquette.

  1. You may NOT use the phrase PSL.
    1. Is it that much of an inconvenience to say the entire word? Are you so busy that you can not pronounce the extra two syllables? Please realize that your time is not that important.
  2. Limit yourself to one Pumpkin Spice drink per week.
    1. I know that it’s impossible to completely rid the zeitgeist of “Pumpkin Spice.” It’s a pillar of 21st-century life, much like the Kardashians or Fortnite. All I’m asking is that you don’t drink the equivalent of ten pumpkin patches per week. It’s really a small request.
  3. Wear fall clothing only when appropriate.
    1. Global warming has made it hard to get into the fall spirit. For the past few weeks, we’ve had 70-80 degree weather. If this is the case, then why am I seeing people wearing sweaters! WHO NEEDS A SWEATER IN 80 DEGREE HEAT? A general rule of thumb: if there’s a heat wave, don’t wear a decorative fall sweater and claim that you’re cold. Take it from me, everybody sees through your thinly veiled lie. Just be honest! You had your outfit picked out a week ago, but didn’t have the energy to check the weather and coordinate as needed.
  4. Don’t put up Halloween decorations until the 21st.
    1. Halloween isn’t until the 31st! You have plenty of time, so why rush to put up your decorations on September 1st! WHY! What purpose does this serve? Who benefits from this? Do you derive some sort of sick joy from decorating your house with skeleton paraphernalia and pumpkins (which, FYI, decompose within 5-10 days of being carved)?
  5. Absolutely NO Instagram photos with leaves.
    1. Everybody (including me) has fallen victim to this. Don’t try to pretend that you took a candid shot while casually tossing around a colorful ball of leaves. There is absolutely no reason that anybody other than a maniac should be throwing detritus around in the middle of a field.

So there you have it, the five rules to live by during fall—that’s it, only five! I don’t think that’s a lot to ask. Fight the good fight, and think before you do something INCREDIBLY basic.