The Berkeley Carroll Blotter

Maybe True Horoscopes #3

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Maybe True Horoscopes #3

Bernie Frishberg, Staff Writer

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aries: the cold of the northeast-most united states is the surest sign that humans were not meant to be the primary occupants of this planet. rub your hands together and breathe hotly into your palms until you feel alive. your lucky items are a school uniform, dollar-store colored pencils, and five sheets of white cardstock.

 

taurus: erasing your past selves will only make you hate your current self more, but go ahead, get the impulsive haircut you’ve been dreaming of. wear your retainer more. your lucky items are a basket of free condoms, a macbook charger, and a sweatshirt from your ex-girlfriend’s college.

 

gemini: don’t take it too seriously if you could have written it yourself. you should know this by now, but vinegar doesn’t sterilize as well as it’s supposed to. your lucky items are a bushel of dried flowers and a paint-stained t-shirt you stole from your dad in 2009. your patron saint is st. catherine of bologna.

 

cancer: no matter how old you get, never forget to count your blessings. schedule a waxing appointment. your lucky items are a half-empty red solo cup, an omnibus volume of Fullmetal Alchemist, and roman candles.

 

leo: you included, all organisms will bend, grow, and eventually blossom before they die. your knuckles are super loud today; go on, crack ‘em! your lucky items are an army surplus jacket, a pack of hair ties, and any tangled knot of wires.

 

virgo: you’re a real person; there’s no more to it, you just needed a reminder. you need to eat lunch, even if you don’t feel hungry, or you’ll crash at around two p.m. and be out of commission for the rest of the day. your lucky items are are air jordans, a straight-edge razor, and baby shampoo.

 

libra: you can create stunning landscapes out of words and notes, but you can’t find it in yourself to be emotionally vulnerable or to find a stable source of income. please seek psychological help. your lucky items are whales, a broken clock, and the entire state of hawaii.

 

scorpio: fangs aren’t evolutionarily useful, but wow do they look cool. the tip to true realism in art is proper shading, which needs plenty of work before it’s properly mastered, so really, don’t beat yourself up that you’re not perfect yet- you’ll get there! your lucky items are mouthwash, glow-in-the-dark stickers, and suspenders

 

sagittarius: the prettiest art in the museum is you- next to that, it’s the dropped pair of glasses people are cautiously stepping around, just in case it’s actually a sculpture. eat some of the leftovers in your fridge before they get moldy. your lucky items are rococo furniture, japanese woodblock prints, and cup noodles.

 

capricorn: never ever stop being as gentle and kind as you are- the people who see the good intent will stick with you through your mistakes. start charging surge price for your back massages during finals weeks as a fun way to exploit your friends. your lucky items are victoria’s secret body spray, floral prints, and the unicorn emoji.

 

aquarius: that weird feeling you get when you drink milk is because you’re lactose intolerant. doing yoga isn’t actually a bad idea, especially if your posture sucks that hard. your lucky items are oreos (they’re vegan!), three stickers peeled off of your laptop, and canvas sneakers.

 

pisces: while your peers were engaging in illicit activities, you studied the blade, so you’re still a virgin, but you do have a really cool sword. sorcerers are overrated; be a kenku or something in your next d&d campaign. your lucky items are a katana, a bulk collection of A Song of Ice and Fire, and J.R.R. Tolkien’s ghost.

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