Important News: January 28th, 2019

Parents in Shock over Swivel Desks

Brooklyn, New York—“Look at this, Honey! What a cute desk!” exclaims Paul Abrams while on his tour of the Berkeley Carroll upper school. “Wow! Have you ever seen anything so neat? It’s so blue and round. Wait…it rolls too? This is by far the greatest technological invention ever.” Abrams’s is not the first person to have this reaction. “I guess, people just really love the chairs,” says Key Society member Aidan Silitch, noting how most adults will be overcome with a sense childlike glee upon seeing the chairs. “It makes giving tours quite difficult” chuckles Silitch. “Once they see the chairs, they just lose it.”

Man Unsure If He Is a Carrie Or A Samantha.

San Diego, California—At first glance, 24-year-old John Stalder seems like he has everything.  He lives in San Diego where he has a steady job, a loving girlfriend, and a college degree. However, there is one thing that keeps him up at night. “I just can’t figure it out… Am I more of a Carrie or more of a Samantha?” asks Stalder. The 24-year-old, who has recently started watching the hit HBO show Sex and the City with his girlfriend, Vanessa, says that he spends nearly every waking minute thinking about which character he identifies most with. “I started watching it as a joke, but as time went on it became something of an obsession,” says Stalder. “I know I’m definitely not a Charlotte or a Miranda. Charlotte is too Naive, and Miranda is just too distrustful of relationships,” states Stalder. “That really only leaves Carrie and Samantha. I can see aspects of my personality in both women. Carrie is smart and career driven, while Samantha is a go-getter who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants.” opines Stalder, who has taken several online quizzes that have led to even more inconclusive results. “I’ll take a Buzzfeed quiz, which says one thing, then I’ll take a quiz on Cosmo that says another. It’s a special kind of hell! I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out.”

Woman Shocked After Finding Confidence Through Literature

Seattle, Washington—This Thursday, local women Kendra Jenkins finally revealed the secret to her newly found confidence. “Reading.” said Jenkins with her head held high. “Who would have guessed that reading was good for you!” she explains. “I was always told that you should read, but I was always under the assumption that it was something only nerds did. I would never have guessed that it would imbue this sense of self-confidence in me ” says Scott after she finished reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. “The moment I finished it, I marched into my bosses office and demanded a raise. I just felt powerful! It’s really crazy what reading can do!” Experts, on the other hand, are skeptical about Jenkins’s sudden transformation. “I’ve never known anybody to feel inspired after reading a book,” says Psychologist Ryan Jackson. “This is quite frankly unprecedented.”