Maybe True Horoscopes


aries: space is the best lover: even though it will eventually forget your existence, it’s always there for you and never has lied. gosh, you’re cute; look at that smile! your lucky items are an orrery, fairy lights, and your sparkliest dress.


taurus: your body is a useless meat sack that carries you from room to room, but at least you can decorate it. take several short naps. your lucky items are an ocean green pearl crayon and any cat older than seven. your patron saint is st. marina the monk.


gemini: taking yourself seriously isn’t something you’ve ever learned how to do. remember to stretch before you work out, to decrease the risk of pulling muscles. your lucky items are ballet flats, smartfood popcorn, and a metrocard with less than a swipe left on it.


cancer: the laws of physics apply to us all, dragging down our tired muscles until we can’t take it, and that you’re still coping with that as well as you are is kinda great! audition for a role in the next upcoming show at your school. your lucky items are sacred geometry and carillon keys. your patron saint is st. agatha of sicily.

leo: remember that you’re an angel, and remember to do things for people other than yourself. you smell kinda nice; are you using new deodorant? your lucky items are anime figurines, hair picks, and sheet music to the hymn, how can i keep from singing?. your patron saint is any given archangel.


virgo: you’ll be okay, but stop being afraid to tell people when you don’t think you will. call your mom. your lucky items an 1896 maxim-silverman automatic pistol, matcha pocky, and a fleet foxes vinyl. your patron saint is st. barbara.


libra: god, you’re pretentious, tone it down. for maximum effect, sunscreen must be reapplied every two to three hours in the sun. your lucky items are a volume of encyclopedia britannica, fresh pizza, and two to three human fingers.


scorpio: having a thing for taxidermy is endearing, but in your case, it’s starting to verge on creepy. check your email more than once a day, you keep missing memos. your lucky items are antlers, pressed flowers, and almond milk.


sagittarius: the internet is an icy cold void and it won’t help you with your problems. stop picking at your skin. your lucky items are a gideon bible, baby teeth, and a pair of clean socks. your patron saint is st. nicholas.


capricorn: the things seen from the corner of your eyes are just that, it’s okay. wear a jacket, you’ll catch your death of cold. your lucky items are a knit beanie, an empty canvas, and antipsychotic medication.


aquarius: mk ultra was a good minute ago, but it’s still not entirely unhealthy to distrust the american government. you really can’t keep wearing that hoodie for so long, it’s starting to smell like mildew. your lucky items are a tie-dyed t-shirt, a netflix subscription, and a pint of ben and jerry’s.

pisces: you are helping more than the average person, so please, give yourself more credit. cancel your landline whenever you get the chance. your lucky items are any foil magic: the gathering card, keys to any house but yours, and a spinner ring. your patron saint is st. dymphna.