aries: going on an adventure and running for your life are not the same thing; what are you really doing? your car needs an oil change, go to the pep boys up the road. your lucky items are a handful of dog treats, a children’s pokemon backpack, and a texas state id.

taurus: you remain content with yourself as an enigma, and i admire that. you can’t just eat raw mushrooms without knowing what they are or you will probably die in a really stupid way. your lucky items are fungi, any three “magic: the gathering cards”, and a saxophone.

gemini: the fact that the femur is the hardest bone in your body is a warning, not a challenge, so stop it. text your boyfriend, you don’t look clingy. your lucky items are a basketball jersey, half a tube of lipgloss, and a broken iphone charger.

cancer: your friendliness is extreme to the degree that people think you’re faking, and whether or not this is a compliment is up to you. this is an unironic, honest reminder to stay hydrated. your lucky items are a newspaper from two days ago, sunflowers, and a blue gingham dress a lá dorothy.

leo: abstinence-only education is to not learning how to swim as 17-year-olds with children are to drowning. believe me when i tell you that no one likes having braces, but at least your teeth will grow in at, like, reasonable angles. your lucky items are raspberry pi (like the computer), raspberry pie (like the food), and an empty ink cartridge.

virgo: though arguably the most iconic emo song of all time, Welcome To The Black Parade charted only #59 for Billboard at the end of 2007. don’t wear black clothes in sunny weather and complain when you get sweaty. your lucky items are an L-Train vintage gift card, the winking emoji with its tongue sticking out, and irony as a concept.

libra: death < sensory overload < the feeling of your game data getting overwritten by your younger sister. you really need a shave, stop putting it off. your lucky items are over-ear headphones, an xbox 360, and a cloud shaped like the birthmark on your hip.

scorpio: homesickness is temporary, but chronic depression is by nature forever. sell your valuable pokémon cards, and use the money to buy more, slightly less valuable pokémon cards. your lucky items are a 50 pence coin, a jacket made from pastel pink acetate cloth, and the kidneys of your abuser. your patron saint is st. rita.

sagittarius: they say to cut once, measure twice, but obviously they hadn’t met you and your incredible ability to measure a million times and still bite off more than you can handle. the needle in your sewing machine is the best you’ve had yet- write down the brand so you can buy more later. your lucky items are an empty coloring book, fun size m&ms, and the most recent taylor swift album on vinyl.

capricorn: all religions are made of just as much nonsense as the next; faith isn’t which belief you think has the least hogwash, it’s how much hogwash you think is the overall sum. you need a new eyeglasses prescription, hence those headaches. your lucky items are a calico cat, beard oil, and black coffee.

aquarius: talent blossoms from you like weeds from the sidewalk after rain, and the fact that you can’t see it is really frustrating to literally everyone around you. get fitted for new bras. your lucky items are succulents and anything with frida kahlo on it. your patron saint is st. dorothy.

pisces: to your lover, your spit is always sweeter than sugar. be careful with heavy glass objects for the next three days. your lucky items are strawberries, porcelain dolls, and a fresh coat of paint.