As you may or may not know, a very peculiar epidemic has spread throughout the hallways of Berkeley Carroll High School. There has been a perpetrator trying to blend into the crowds of BC students! From head to head, and from room to room this accessory has made its way into everyone’s hearts. You must be thinking, “call the Hasids” or “break out the Rosemary shampoo and braids”, but alas, it is not lice (directly). It is something more dangerous: a bonnet (that could in itself cause lice). Many students have been seen sporting this bonnet for a few minutes of the day whenever they can get their hands on it. As reports tell, every case begins with seeing the bonnet lying on a table and the person “creatively” thinking it would be a good time to put on the bonnet and prance around. Freshman Chelsea Mina encountered the bonnet in Mr. Moyano’s Spanish class and “thought she looked cool in it.” It made her “feel pretty.” Mina is not alone in falling ill to the bonnet’s spell. Countless students and even faculty enjoy the bonnet’s beautifying effects. Seemingly invincible, even Mr. Indovina wasn’t immune, “I put the bonnet on as a comic gesture as the women’s choir was coming in for rehearsal. I felt a little ridiculous wearing it, but we were having a good time.” So, where did this “good time” come from? Why is the bonnet so enticing? What is it that draws us to throw it on our heads with a flauncy laugh? The secret of the bonnet is revealed below. Once you have read the truths behind the bonnet, some of you may think twice before putting it on. But then again, some of you may begin to search for it. Whatever your reaction, please take this case seriously.
Once upon an office hours, a rambunctious group of teenagers—who will remain unnamed due to potentially severe consequences—took their well-earned break from a hard-working day at Berkeley Carroll to venture onto the streets of 7th avenue in search of a bacon, egg, and cheese. The group returned to the gates of the school with more than full tummies. They had acquired what could be seen as a blessing or a curse; a meheya or a plague; yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is either what you have come to fear or desire; the straw bonnet. It seems as though on the way back from the local deli, something had caught the group’s eye. As the group passed Café Dada, a tale that can only be described as the heavens opening up transpired. A spotlight shone down on a garbage can on the corner as the sounds of singing angels chimed. There it was, the bonnet, a trend-breaking, jaw-dropping, must-have accessory out of place atop the filthy trash of New York City. Y’all must be thinking the same thing as these kids, “Now who in their right mind would ever throw out such a fine hat as this!” The group would not stand for this injustice and mistreatment of fashion and they took the liberty to claim the hat. The excitement didn’t stop there. One characteristically rowdy girl double-dog dared fellow hat-stealer to wear the hat around school. And thus, the bonnet entered its new home at Berkeley Carroll. What started as an innocent prank turned into a beautiful family. Without an owner to guard from the sun, a friend to sit upon, the bonnet was homeless, and now it has countless friends and heads to touch amongst our community. The truth of the bonnet is known for better or for worse. Senior Eliza Liebler reports, “it was in the choir room and Miranda put it on my head and I thought it was funny until I found out it came from the trash.” The origins of the bonnet don’t matter! Don’t be like Eliza; don’t let the lice, the dirt, the filth, the disease, and stray hair the bonnet holds keep you from having a good laugh. Embrace the bonnet for what it is: a new friend not a foe. As with human friends, we must look past some outlying problems and work with the bonnet to create bonds that will last a lifetime. Common, give it a whirl! Join or die!
**Bonnet has a 99.9% chance of boosting one’s self-esteem through the roof.
