BC’s Missing Forks: An Exposé

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Julia Pike, Editor-in-Chief

We’ve all experienced it. You wait eagerly on line for a hot, delicious lunch. You snatch your plate, grab some rice or a fruit salad. You head to the bins of utensils. You reach, absent-mindedly, for a fork, and you find… nothing. The fork bin is empty. You move along the line of utensils—searching, desparate. Eventually, you come to the end of the line, and you encounter the little wire-mesh basket filled with plastic forks. You must decide: will you gobble down your salad and chicken with a metal spoon today, or will you bite the bullet, use the plastic fork, and contribute to the millions of pounds of trash smothering our planet?

It’s a choice Berkeley Carroll students are forced to make every day—but why? Where have these forks gone? A team of Blotter Special Correspondents spent time on the ground at BC, interviewing students and faculty members in an attempt to solve this mystery. Those interviewed had in-depth theories about where the forks have gone.

“I think they’ve all gotten stuck to the inside of the dishwasher, and the heat of the water has melted them all into oblivion, leaving the kitchen scrambling for appropriate utensils,” explained senior Kennedy Austin. Senior Alex Pachter had a more sinister idea concerning heat and the forks: “Global warming got so bad that they all melted.”

Many people had theories related to the cafeteria personnel: “Someone’s making a sculpture that’s going to be revealed during commencement, a tribute to the cafeteria staff,” said Ms. Heldring. “I think that the cafeteria staff took them away because we’re horrible and ungrateful,” freshman Blue Semmelhack proposed.

Other theories ranged in topic and culprit; suspicions were cast far and wide. “I think the forks got into their top choice colleges and they have a major case of senioritis,” proposed Ms. Clapps. “I think it’s a senior prank that we don’t know about as seniors,” senior Itiah Pierce posited. Freshman Aniris Cabral kept it simple: “They flew away.” Ms. Finigan, in her typical deadpan, suggested, “”The soup spoons, they’re gone too. They’re having an affair.” Senior Cal Goodin exhibited a sense of senior disenchantment. “I think that the school got a little bit concerned about safety and they thought the forks would be a hazard so they’re slowly removing them. They don’t trust us any more,” he asserted. “They were stolen by notorious French fork thief Jacques Fourchette,” said junior Thelonius Frumkin, who clearly knows something the rest of us do not.

To get to the bottom of this, we also asked the boss herself, Ms. Moore. “This is really weird but I was having lunch at Café Dada and I swear they were using our forks. You can talk to them to confirm, but that’s what I saw.” Representatives from Café Dada declined to comment.

Some students questioned took more practical routes in their theories. “I think that a lot of them got thrown in the trash, and then they just never replaced them,” said sophomore Gala Prudent.

But after hours of exhaustive research and interviews, we have the real answer here, exclusively on the Blotter. The truth is that Berkeley Carroll is filled with fork-thieves. There is not one but many Jaques Fourchettes roaming the rainbow-splattered hallways of Berkeley Carroll. “I’ve actually seen forks fall out of people’s bags,” said Camille, who requested that we only use her first name for safety purposes. A student who wished to remain anonymous said, “I actually have one in my locker.” Many people became immediately defensive when asked what they thought had happened to the forks. “Why do you need to know where they went?” asked Mr. Hennebery, before grabbing his computer and dashing away.

But you don’t need to take our word for it: we have evidence. When reporters went into teacher offices and asked where the forks had gone, there was an immediate, unanimous response from all teachers present. They all pointed to one desk. “Take a picture. That’s what happened to them,” said one teacher.

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The evidence came pouring in, and it was not limited solely to forks. An anonymous student sent in this picture, of all the BC spoons they had collected in their room:

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Two students were spotted in the library carrying forks:

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And forks were spotted sticking out of backpacks in class: unnamed-2

As someone who has spent the entirety of my senior year with a Berkeley Carroll cafeteria spoon rattling around at the bottom of my backpack, I can empathize with my fellow utensil-stealers. I have been there too. The Blotter is not here to shame you—we are here to help you recognize that you have a problem. From now until the end of the year, utensils may be returned to the cafeteria, and no questions will be asked. We hope that this article can help us all be critical, ethical, and global… and return the hoarded utensils.